(Deep) Inside the Argos Live at Rogers Mausoleum
-Mike Alexander
Toronto really is an oddity as far as the Universe is concerned. Nice people I know live there and do well, so I don’t really want to include them in this rant that is as fair as it is balanced. Believe me, I’ve pored over the numbers late into the night over many moons and I was gob smacked when I discovered the absolute truth of the matter: Toronto has a bit of a complex about itself. Facts don’t lie. As the country’s most celebrated and well-known locale, whiney and mope-y citizens in the GTA, morons who just handed the country over to a dead-eyed Republican during the last federal election, still feel compelled to consider themselves as a bit of an underdog for reasons that annoy the rest of the country. Trust me, every time a baby shits its pants in Toronto, you know Peter Mansbridge will be covering it from every angle as the lead story that night on the National. It’s a false sense of entitlement and for the most part, it reeks to high heaven.
But check out the stands at Rogers Centre this evening and bear witness to the lamest, most bored and unenthusiastic spoiled idiots in the league. Tickets for today’s game going for $5 a pop? Give me a break. The sound of an audible yawn being carried into living rooms across the country from some fat-headed stooge being paid by his employers to be there? It happens. The place is a tomb. It doesn’t help matters that the lowly Argos are going into tonight’s’ match against the Bombers with an eyeball puncturing 2-9 record this season. Toronto may be lame and snobbish, but even the most uptight locals refuse to touch the Boatmen with a ten foot pole. And the menu tonight can’t possibly look good for those hoping for a nice, entertaining night out on the town. It seems that Buck Pierce and company are in town looking to feast on the hapless Argos and there isn’t a goddamn thing that can be done to stop them.
And yet anything is possible in the CFL and last weeks’ game against the Alouettes showed that even teams with a somewhat questionable offense like the Bombers can march in, slap a few mothers in the face, rack up an impressive 440 yards in offense and walk out with a win. Yes, that was Fred Reid who finally found his legs and ran all the way to the hills for a sick passing touchdown. And no, you are not mistaken, that was Cory Watson with his second straight 100 yard game. For his efforts, Buck was handed the offensive player of the week award. It’s unusual to rack up these types of offensive stats when in Montreal, but this is the CFL, and that kind of thing happens from time to time. It was important game against the usually dominant Al’s, and makes recent Labour Day and Banjo Bowl blowouts against the Riders slink off back into a lonely black murky puddle, teeming with virus off in some long-forgotten nightmare.
So we head into Toronto to find the team chugging along at a relatively solid pace. Finding Winnipeg at the top of the heap in the league comes with a cost. Bumps, bruises, nicks and chunks have been pulled, peeled, hammered, stomped and knocked off along the way and some of it hasn’t been easy to watch. The weight of the season slowly learns further on the Bombers and the injury roster grows a bit longer every week. Jo Lobo is out for the season, and now Tim Brown is out as well. Questions are still being asked about Buck Pierce’s health related to his weekly Passion of the Christ highlight reel tape. Nothing in the world in terms of health is certain, and when you are paid to be a red-headed step child to every 300 pound crazed ape in the league who would like to put you in a hospital bed, lid-poppin’ concussions, rib injuries, and even worse can often be a persons’ reality. I have yet to see last nights’ hit on Anthony Calvillo, but I am assured that he has no memory of it either. Apparently it was a doozy. So as far as Buck Pierce is concerned, I fully expect to continue holding my breath until the end of the season before resting easy.
A quick glance at the Argos shows a painful reality for Coach Barker. That reality is named Steven Jyles. Jyles, as you will likely recall was released from the Bombers in a controversial pre-season shake-up when Lapo proudly announced that he had put all his chips on one Buck Pierce. It must have felt like being woken up by repeated hits to the face from a claw hammer to Jyles. No one really saw it coming and it’s one of those mysteries in life. How did Lapo foresee this unfolding the way that it has? There are clues.
When you see Jyles play, last year comes crashing back with vivid memories worse than seeing the mayor of this city grinning like an asshole at the front of a fucking conga line. Thank little baby Jesus that Jyles isn’t wearing a blue and gold Jersey today. Jyles has a problem with his brain. He is only able to work one play and is unable to scramble on the fly. As a result, he loses composure and then one of two things happen: He tastes the turf or loses the ball. Rattle Steven Jyles early and he will play himself out of what otherwise could be considered a football game. Not that I`m asking for a miracle here. Jyles has no one to throw to. Expect a few harsh turnovers, and small drives that stall and turn into punting situations often. Steven Jyles will experience a brain hemorrhage all night long much like last weeks’ sadsackery against the Riders, a game where the struggling Toronto pivot ruined any hope of an Argo win on account of 2 interceptions and a costly fumble in the second half. Winnipeg knows that Jyles is going to stall and wheeze out every time he touches the ball. The chances are good he doesn’t golf in the off-season either on account of his eyeballs that appear to see a universe that the rest of us cannot.
So while the rest of the league will be all poo-poo about it, Swaggerville is alive and well, without apology. Expect a long, painful four quarters for Jyles, Barker and the rest of the Argonauts. It’s going to be a quiet night in the centre of the universe over at Rogers Mausoleum.
Winnipeg by 18…because Toronto sucks.
