TSN: How to Fix Your Bullshit Network
by: Ernie “This Is The” Pitts
I’ve written so many letters to TSN over the last few years after being utterly appalled by the network’s absolute inability to cover sports events properly. You’d think our national sports network would have some idea of how to broadcast a sporting event — but you’d be wrong. TSN is on autopilot, and I’d wager that I could turn the reins over to any first-year CreComm mook at Red River and get a better product on the air.
I’ve politely offered mountains of feedback that seems obvious to me, but I’ve never heard a peep from TSN, and its coverage gets worse and worse. So I’ll tell Facebook how to fix TSN’s football coverage. I don’t want a consulting fee. I just want to see the fucking score during a football game.
1. Put the goddam score on the screen at all times. AT ALL TIMES. It should never leave the screen.
2. Along with the score, put the down and distance on the screen at all times. AT ALL TIMES. TSN’s announcers cannot be relied upon to tell you anything about the game, so get the shit on the screen so we can get the info we need.
2. Fire the announcers. They are brutal. Rob Black has the personality of a goalpost. Glen Suitor is stupid. Duane Ford looks like he’s trying not to throw up most of the time. Chris Cuthbert is actually fine, but he gets fired because he hasn’t punched Glen Suitor in the face yet. He should do that. Suitor needs it.
3. Never cut to commercials and then miss a play. If you can’t fit the spots into the break, run less spots. Missing plays is unacceptable.
4. Get your announcers to tell us what the penalty is any time a penalty flag is thrown. Rod Black, it is not enough to say there’s a flag on the field and then move on to some bullshit about a mascot. Tell us what the flag is. We know you don’t understand the game, so ask someone who does, then tell us what happened. Don’t assume we’ll figure out how the ball moved 15 yards while you were stumbling through some stilted, badly delivered schtick.
5. No more extended close-ups of coaches when shit is happening on the field. NO MORE. Show us what is happening on the field. Coaches are fat. We know that. There is no need to show us for 45 seconds at a time.
6. Stop talking about Michael Bishop’s arm strength. Find something else to talk about. Use your imagination.
7. If you don’t know, don’t say. Just shut up. I’m tired of Glen Suitor making up some nonsense that turns out to be utterly wrong. Muzzle that dude.
8. We can tell when you’re doing rehearsed bits, so stop forcing them into the broadcast. You can almost hear Black rubbing his hands together when some player has his name called and Black has a prepared nugget. Forget the fact that the player is now being carted off the field — Black is going to ignore that and tell you that the player once shared a room with Tom Brady in his first year of college. Timing is everything.
9. Stop putting graphics on the screen when important stuff is happening. We want to see the plays, not some dumbass stat chart your intern made between rubbing bacon grease on Michael Landsberg’s face and making plastic-surgery appointments for Jennifer Hedger. Yes, Jennifer, it’s obvious.
10. Fire your producers. They pick bad shots that show no understanding for football or broadcasting. Get better people to pic what we see.
And I’ done. NFL halftime is over, and now I can go back to watching broadcasts by people who know what they’re doing.
