Hell is a Terrible Place to Be
by Mike A.
The doctrine of Purgatory, made popular by the Catholic Church, speaks to the severe torture and power of thermal energy that is spent on a soul in the afterlife when that soul is not yet fit for ascension to heaven. Men and women of faith all over the world enjoy stirring up the fleas of little kids and the weak-willed with tales of excruciating torture that one will experience in order to burn off a lifetime of sin and evil-doing. It is these hell fires that do not destroy the creature that makes God sick to his stomach but instead, will consume the evil that the creature has himself built. We are assured that this time spent in a small, windowless 4x4 room with our souls being savagely beaten with a black jack made of godflame, while much too painful for us to contemplate and comprehend as dipshits living lowly lives of utter failure and garbage, is what is required to bring us in line with God’s will for us.
It’s very rare for me to take comfort in unusual teachings about life such as this. However, I have noticed as of late, that I routinely experience no sleep of peace when thinking about the unspeakable horrors that I have witnessed week after week on the field here in the Canadian Football League. For weeks I have experienced a broad range of powerful emotions related to Mike Kelly’s goof troupe and their weekly trouncing on football fields across the land. There has been non-stop weeping and gnashing of teeth locally with 16 year old pizza faced assholes telling it how it is and being listened to by the media like ancient sages. The wisdom expressed by Bomber faithful, no matter how new they are to the team is as clear as it is logical. If a nearsighted and mentally challenged yellow poodle with one missing leg and dentures took over Kelly’s duties, there would be a sigh of relief louder than the roar of Angus Young’s SG that was heard all the way to Portage and Main a few weeks back from this place of dead souls and human garbage, all whom refer to Maroons Road as home.
Those of us who recall Kelly burning off veterans who had failed to thrive under Doug Berry very quickly understood the definition of “rebuilding”. In spite of my desire to see him flogged publicly, I need to take a minute to pause and reflect on my present on the terrible place I find myself. I am in Bomber Purgatory and it looks like we are stuck here for a while.
We look at Erik Santos and we read that the Montreal Gazette considers the deal for him to be an off-field fleecing. Santos was a fourth string for the Al’s, another one of Kelly’s untested and unproven additions who, like the rest of the 2009 Bomber QB squad, was not a part of training camp prior to the beginning of this years’ failed experiment on the field. There is a stunning pattern whereby Kelly continues to burn off all flesh, muscle and bone here and this is the heart of all the rage that threatens to push us horrified fans completely over the edge.
Rebuilding the team is going to be this way. Difficult, often inexplicable and wholly responsible for some of the worst football I have ever seen in my life. Yet take a look at the Calvillos and the Burris’ around the league. They all started of as fourth string nobodies. In the CFL, becoming a top, no, competitive QB takes time and patience. Words that no one wants to hear. But with the season now a just a painful throbbing annoyance with a shelf life in the back of brains, it only makes sense to look forward instead of at the present which is nothing more than an embarrassing foregone conclusion.
Santos, like most kids coming up to try out, has a decent college record. The bio on him suggests an ability to pass and works well in the pocket. Like another distant memory Stephan Lefors, he lacks the arm that Bishop has, and would probably find himself three feet in the ground against a team like the BC Lions more often than not in heavy pass rush.
Give him some time on the field and see if this kid can’t make it out of training camp next spring. As far as I’m concerned, Bishop is a short term liability, also with a shelf life. It may very well be that this Santos kid is the future that this team needs in its efforts to rebuild. He’s young, inexperienced but we will not have a crack at anyone else other than a kid like him. Let’s see if we can’t get him onto the practice roster as soon as possible and then give him a shot or two.
I don’t see the Bombers exiting Purgatory anytime soon. The avalanche of hatred and despair off the field locally will provide more than enough entertainment in lieu of a lack of talent on the field. There will be riots and merciless beatings with 2x4’s in St. James with crazies torching vehicles at Polo Park when the curtain closes on this season. I suspect that this is Bob Irving’s last year with CJOB as he will most certainly croak on the air long before Montreal wins the Grey Cup at McMahon Stadium later on in November.
It will all be for naught mind you, because Kelly is here to say, conducting his freakish and nightmarish experiments week after week. How soon we exit this terrible place is in the shaky hands of uncertain kids who I believe want to succeed, who want to develop as players and who want to dine in public again at some point without fearing for their lives.
It’s 18 years and counting here in Purgatory. It’s just a matter of time now…
