Good Riddance
By Ernie “This Is The” Pitts
I almost didn’t want to hear what Mike Kelly had to say about the loss to the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.
Would he tell Bob Irving to go fuck himself? Maybe he’d challenge Bob Cameron to a cage match. Or kick Kenny Ploen in the crotch with steel-toed boots. Maybe set Buzz and Boomer on fire and slap a few cheerleaders. Take a dump on the logo at midfield and wipe his ass with a game-worn Milt Stegall jersey?
I just didn’t want to hear Kelly do any more damage to this team and its legacy. I didn’t want to hear any asinine comments, and I didn’t want to hear about “great efforts,” “rebuilding” and “next year.” I’m sick of that trash. It’s redundant sports cliches clumsily smeared across a portrait of ineptitude in a ham-fisted attempt to explain a season defined by failure and incompetence. The only thing Mike Kelly owes me is an apology for wasting 10 days of my life spent watching mediocre players paddle a rudderless ship captained by an arrogant asshole.
For the record: Apology not accepted. Go back to Philadelphia. Google Map the fastest route, Professor.
But I couldn’t resist watching a post-game interview. Call me a fool or a glutton for punishment.
And so I watch the interview on the Free Press website, probably shot by Ed Tait with a point-and-shoot camera when he should be learning how to write better or maybe delivering issues of On7 in some ridiculous cost-cutting measure by Winnipeg’s so-called “major daily.” I watch, and what do I hear? I hear Kelly say he wants Michael Bishop at training camp next year.
What?
No, really— what the fuck are you talking about?
Aside from Kelly himself, Bishop the predominant reason for the wasted season. He’s a terrible quarterback. He makes bad decisions. He can’t scramble for shit. His accuracy sucks. His pocket presence is non-existent. He can’t read defences. And did I mention his accuracy makes drunken fucks playing Big Buckhunter at a Canad Inns bar look like spec-ops sharpshooters?
I can only assume Kelly is playing the media game the only way he knows how, treating the interaction like Edward Scissorhands might treat a violin. Maybe Kelly isn’t ready to throw Bishop under the bus yet and he’s reluctant to punt the dude moments after the game. Maybe.
But what if he’s serious? What if he really believes Bishop deserves to take another snap in a Winnipeg uniform? What if he’s going to piss away another season and another 150 hours of my life? What if he really thinks Bishop can be a part of our future rather than another one-year bit player in a two-decade comedy of errors?
If that’s the case—if Michael Bishop is truly welcome back into Canad Inns Stadium ever again—then this team is truly lost.
