Buck’s Back…And There’s Gonna Be Trouble.
by Mike Alexander
Congratulations if you made through this week without succumbing to God’s pathetic attempt to wipe us all off his ludicrous creation. Gad zooks, what a week it’s been. The temperature with the humidex is reaching fifty degrees in several parts of the country. People are experimenting with science by frying eggs on the asphalt and then running into oncoming traffic in horror when them shits turn out sunny side up and delicious-looking. The elderly and children are drying up and their soot and boots are being discovered by EMS workers in every major Canadian city. Here in the bowels of Loserville, Manitoba, we’re trying to take it all in stride. But between the non-stop torch-bombings and a troublesome emotional downward spiral brought on by our horrible and idiotic American mayor handing the keys of the city to some talentless greedy asshole in a fucking atrocious wig recently, people are shambling around town in a state of numb shock and constant disapproval. While everyone here is crazy from the heat and only interested in everyone else being dead, no one wants to use up their last bit of strength to actually start the random killing spree. Mama Mia, it can only mean one thing…week 4 in the CFL…and Winnipeg is headed to Toronto.
There isn’t much to be said about last weeks’ sordid affair at home against Calgary that doesn’t feel strangely routine. A disappointing 21-20 finish felt like it was time for that mean old belt lashing on the backside again. Yes, we all saw one of the best defences in the league hold the fort all night long. There were plenty of examples the showcased the intensity and the skill level. But the D can only do their part. What we also saw was an offense that sputtered and fell flat on their faces, complete with bad penalties, turn-overs and my personal favourite – dropped passes. It was a bad combination of poor play calling and horrible mistakes. There has been some murmuring about which adjustments need to be made, but I feel like I need to see a little more before lighting a torch and joining the “____ needs to be run out of town” mob.
The fact is we are running the lousiest O line in the league. We are scoring one major a game and the overall offensive production stinks to high hell. We don’t look mean out there. Opponents are all too happy with our lack of ability to move the chains, because we fail to do so in decent field position like at the conclusion of last weeks’ Stone Cold Stunner at the hands of the Stampeders.
I don’t want to freak anyone out here, but you can expect to experience teams coming in and making obscene gestures to clinically depressed Bomber Fans out of contempt and disgust at our O Line’s “can’t do” attitude any day now. And you can expect these laughing gloating idiots to start defecating into urinals at Canad Inns Stadium again because that’s exactly where we are headed should Coach Lapo be unable to solve his offensive line problem. It’s hard to get any respect when you’re cleaning shit out of a pisser all day long.
A solution? Vent on the Argos this week. Instil a sense of fear in them. Make them pay for every gain they make on the field. But be smart and stay poised without all those penalties. Winnipeg special teams limiting the punt return like in previous outings against the Argos will come in handy for the task at hand. Insert “squeeze (Cleo) Lemon” Led Zepplin reference/comment here for good measure and no guffaws.
Although it was nice to see Elliot move the ball around in his absence last week in the second half, it’s time for recently un-injured (again) Buck Pierce to pull his team together and make it happen. At the Ashburn Compound and other secret locations across the city where the lonely and downtrodden meet to enjoy the Canadian Football League, we will be sweatin’ and howlin’, and in some cases, resorting to powerful drink to stay hydrated. And why not? We know the depth of the receiving corps and we are out of our minds with confusion as to why we aren’t seeing results.
Will things change in Toronto? Establishing a 3-1 record before coming back to two consecutive home games sounds even better than two ice cold pitchers of Sangria right now. I expect another nail biter and will be looking for key players like Watson, Hargreaves, and even Harris (yes…especially Harris) to light it up early and often tomorrow afternoon. Until then, you can find me recovering from several heat strokes accrued as a result of the baby Jebus this week. Goddamn you, Jebus. But no matter…I will be keeping my face in the freezer and stayin’ sick and brutal 24/7.
Hail ice cold sangrias and Go Blue!
