Beer Snake Gonna Knock You Out
By Mike Alexander
I remember the band 9 Shocks Terror. They were a punk rock band from somewhere in Ohio who enjoyed a period of notoriety in the 90’s. They were terribly ugly human beings who churned out disgusting sounds that were fast and upset. I saw them twice in Minneapolis. The first time I saw them was at a venue that had hosted a record swap earlier in the afternoon. At the conclusion of the swap, one of the vendors had left behind a box of about one hundred free 7” records for the taking. The box was full of terrible singles and 45’s that wouldn’t sell for a dime. 9 Shocks Terror took the stage and as they kicked into their first song, someone in the crowd of hundreds decided to grab the box of records, and used one as a Frisbee, throwing it hard at the band. It sailed past the singer harmlessly, but suddenly there was a flurry of action with fans grabbing records and throwing them all over the place. At the band. At the old dudes at the back of the hall. At the sound guy. At people running for cover. The room was full of records flying through the air. These motherfuckers are going to kill someone, I said out loud. The band did nothing to stop this. By the time I looked through a sea of flying vinyl back at the stage, I could tell that the band was cut up and bleeding. They didn’t care. People were enjoying themselves. Suddenly garbage cans of recycling were thrown into the melee and a days’ worth of plastic containers discarded by a few hundred kids added colour to the melee. It was awesome. It was spontaneous. It put smiles on aces and it made me feel alive. As far as I know, no one lost an eye but aside from a few cuts and scrapes, a good time was had by all. Punk rock.
Over at the very serious offices of Winnipeg Blue Bomber management on Maroons, the never-smiling grownups that make important decisions are fuming mad. Since the Bombers’ special teams have decided to sit on the lush fake grass with their thumbs up their asses instead of covering punt returns this year, the Beer Snake has become the only game in town. Beer Snake represents spontaneous and harmless mischief. Beer Snake is a spectacle, a brief reprieve from the action on the field. But what’s this? A couple of dusty old relics and people who should be in a fucking hospice instead of a football game had a few grams of plastic fall on their heads and ran home saying stupid words about class action law suits and tearfully describing the horrendous nature of their near fatal experiences. These are the same people that go camping in Winnebago’s so they can watch re-runs of CSI Miami on their televisions from the safety of their campers in trailer parks. That’s their idea of fun. It misses the point of spending time in the great outdoors altogether, but these terrified people are rabid about the dangers out there in the woods. Beer Snake is so unimportant and yet here we are in this post 9/11 and post beer snake world, where there is no re-entry, no joy, no loud chewing of gum and no staying up after bedtime.
It was club spokesperson Darren Cameron delivering the Beer Snake ban when instead of worrying about such a minor incident, should have been talking about what is going on with some of the worst special teams this city has seen in years. Why is Mike Renault the guy making all the first contact with opposing players? Why can’t players stay in their lanes? What is up with players who have never heard of legal blocks? Why are teams returning punts and missed field goals for major scores?
These aren’t cynical quips from people not privileged enough to have season tickets, these are serious questions about field position that deserve answers. How long does Alexis Serna need to learn how to kick a 42 yard field goal? Between him and his clown car companions who sometimes tee the ball up for him, we can expect to see more of the same garbage this week in Hamilton against the lowly Ti Cats. The Bombers, unable to cover an 11 point spread last week are favored by 3 this week. It’s an outrage. Allowing three kick returns for touchdowns in two games should be the focus here instead of a stack of empty beer cups. Not only does Winnipeg hand over points on these turnovers, but for the first time since last July, Toronto was handed the gift of confidence and allowed to run all over Canad Inns stadium. It was a disgraceful scene that must have appalled Bomber faithful in section S. God bless them for trying to make the most of a disappointing outing on the field. They certainly can’t be blamed for trying to enjoy themselves.
And you know what? Buck Pierce continues to look good. His play calling is excellent. He went 25 for 35 for 366 yards last week. Those are good numbers. He’s a Michael Vick without the partially chewed up and gored dog corpses in his basement. Games in which the QB throws for 300 yards while running on his own for another 100 are supposed to be won. Terrence Jeffers-Harris looked good as well. He has grit and his willingness to make the additional effort will rub off on the rest of the receivers as the year progresses. Winnipeg’s woes last week against the Argos were certainly not the fault of Coach Lapo or Buck Pierce.
It’s 2010 and the team hasn’t arrived yet. It’s more of the same Jekyll and Hyde antics that we’ve all seen way too much of over the years. These painful inconsistencies make one wonder which team is going to show up in Hamilton this week. Do Kevin Glenn and company have enough fire to claw themselves up their first victory of the year on Friday night? You can bet they will show up and make every effort. And why not? There is nothing more fun for Glenn than to take a huge shit on any party we decide to throw in this town.
These are some very serious times in which fun is not part of the marketing strategy for off field shenanigans in Winnipeg. Fair enough. Let the geriatrics have their day. With Beer Snake being poo-poo’d, the focus will shift back the team on the field who in turn, need to start worrying about playing football. Covering returns. Kicking field goals. Enjoying competitive field position. That kind of thing. For me I would be happy to see a marketing strategy that involves cleaning up this mess so that the offense can take their average of 500 yards and 36 points a game and violently stuff it down the throats of other teams around the league. It shouldn’t be hard now that there is no longer a Beer Snake to distract anyone from doing their fucking job. Frankly, I don’t see any reason why Winnipeg can’t take this game by 15 or 20 points. Let’s go Blue.
