You Sure Got a Purty Mouf a.k.a. The Labour Day Classic!
Mike A.
It’s hard to talk about the product that the 2011 Saskatchewan Roughriders have fielded week after week without collapsing in fits of uncontrollable laughter. And when I say laughter, I mean a loud, rude and totally inappropriate shrill booming sound that fills an entire room. Imagine if the food court staff from Taco Time assembled a squad and stepped in to replace the Riders while the leading roles of “From Justin To Kelly” Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini took over as coaching staff. The new team mascots would be white rappers from Regina. Everyone in the crowd…their own grandfather. It’s a nightmare to even consider for longer than a second or two. But this near-reality is the stage that has been set over the course of the season. And it is fucking ugly to look at.
Presently in Regina, the general feeling is that suicide is an alternative to what’s been taking to the field at Mosaic Stadium. And who can possibly blame the lowly and gob smacked Rider Nation for wanting to corpse out, who are already blacked out drunk and who will be cheering for the absolute worst team in the entire league this afternoon. It’s the Labour Day Classic and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers are in town to push people around, rough up the sad sack populace and urinate openly in the streets. I mean, who cares? This fuckin’ thing isn’t even fit to be called the Labour Day Classic. This is the “You Got a Purty Mouf” classic and the hosting team’s bus is currently on blocks while the houses in the one-horse town are all on wheels.
It was painfully obvious that Rider pivot Darian Durant had a little too much of his pappy’s moonshine before game time last week, a habit that he has picked up in a big way this year. Is there a worse QB in the league right now? I don’t think so. Durant is the master of incomplete passing. He is personally responsible for 6 fumbles this year as well as a whopping 9 interceptions. Overall, the Riders have the distinction of possessing a league high 21 turnovers this year. They are also last in the league in points scored. Last week, they amassed an incredible 99 yards in penalties against the Argos. They are just shy of 650 yards in penalties so far this year. Have there been sparks of life? Sure. But Durant isn’t able to play two quarters of football, never mind a whole game. It must have made Rider brass barf into their floppy hats because shortly after the Riders’ laughable finish in Toronto, heads rolled.
Greg Marshall, a man that once stunk up Maroons road was axed, a whole 8 weeks into his 3 year contract. And then offensive coordinator Doug Berry, another idiot also not fit to stink up Canad Inns stadium, was fired as well. Fans were tired of his mastery of the 2 and out and the dropped 40 yard pass. So you have Rider management finally understanding why Winnipeg was so eager to ship off these two balloon heads, but the damage has been done and Saskatchewan is back smack in the Stone Age, where with the exception of a couple years, they have spent the last twenty – in the basement of the Western division. If Marshall and Berry came out at some point today and announced they had been on Winnipeg’s payroll the whole time, it would make more sense than them trying to account for all the mistakes they made since taking on the Riders. If they were somehow intentional about the complete and utter destruction of the Saskatchewan franchise, it would make sense.
Let’s be clear about the kicking situation in Saskatchewan. If you thought Troy Westwood stunk, you’d be right. Also, get a load of Christopher Milo. Now that guy stinks. He missed 2 of three field goals last week including a tiny little 27 yard chip shot, one that any kicker in the league can complete in their sleep.
This team stinks to high hell. This season can be summed up in a tangled yarn of miscues, bad play calling and even worse penalties. The Riders are comprised of washed up old timers and fat trimmed from other teams. The Riders suffer from a complete lack of talent right now. Who is considered to be their top weapons? Dressler and Getzlaf have both received enough coverage all year long that they can’t possibly be considered to be playmakers today or any other time either. The tape teams look at week after week when studying the Riders looks about the same. A few lousy shovel passes and non-stop 2 and outs while Berry and Marshall amuse themselves with piles of fecal matter on the sidelines. It seems that Rider energy will be provided by ordained Minister Barrin Simpson who has publically threatened to punch CEO of Swaggerville Odell Willis in the mouth this afternoon. Sounds an awful lot like Hamilton’s Dave Stala, who ran for his life with his tail between his legs last week in Winnipeg after Swaggerville was finished picking at his bones. Lots of tough talk from teams with miserable records and no prospects of success this year.
Pathetic.
Look, the fact of the matter is that the Bombers are due for a loss. They will not lose the season with 1 loss on their record. The stakes are high considering this is the LDC. Winnipeg has lost this game every year since 2004, so there is the issue of pride that is on the line here. If in some bizarre and completely unreasonable scenario the Riders are able to magically pull off this upset, I think I will be fine with it. To me, the game is meaningless. The Riders are not factors in the CFL this year, no matter what coaches Justin and Kelly tell you. So this afternoon is essentially an exhibition match in preparation for the Alouettes in two weeks time from now. Winnipeg have yet to face Anthony Calvillo this year, and Anthony is beginning to show that he might just be a mere human being after all. But that’s not important right now.
If Saskatchewan come within 20 points of the Bombers this afternoon, I will eat watermelon for dinner. For the next week.
So let’s fill those coolers and get that BBQ good and fired up. Over here at the Ashburn compound, the soundtrack to our LDC bash will be loud and proud. We expect Swaggerville to be in full effect. It’s the end of summer and it makes sense to enjoy every last ray of sunshine we can before the home stretch to the playoffs. It’s time for a hillbilly bashing, and Rider Nation is our prey. We will take the fight to every last bubblegum jean wearin’ crimped hair scumbag we see in the streets…we will burn their Mondetta sweaters in piles…and anyone we don’t deal with today will be treated to the most vile and offensive finish of all time…next weeks’ Banjo Bowl in Winnipeg. Things in Swaggerville couldn’t be looking better than they are right now.
So let the slaughter begin. Go Blue!
